The 10 worst films of 2011

I pretty much hate doing a ‘Worst of’-list, if only because I know how much time and effort (and money, let’s not forget that) go into making a feature film. Even a bad one. It’s easy for a critic to call out a director on his or her ‘apparent’ ineptitude, but I honestly don’t believe that ANY filmmaker – not even Uwe Boll or Paul W. Anderson – wakes up in the morning thinking “You know what, I’m going to make the shittiest turd ever today”. You do what you do. Sometimes that works out. Sometimes it doesn’t. And in the case of the films on this list, it just really really didn’t.

10. TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON
Colossal and indiscernable hunks of metal pummel each other to smithereens. Again. Shit blows up. Again. Shia LaBeouf yells ‘Optimus!’ 2000 times. Again. Is this thing over already?

09. SEASON OF THE WITCH
Look, I like me some Nic Cage just like the rest of you (case in point: here he is punching a woman in the face wearing a bear-suit). But this was just a mess even Ron Perlman couldn’t save.

08. I AM NUMBER FOUR
This film took a huge number two. On my head. Repeatedly. I’m a big fan of D.J. Caruso’s work, but this just really didn’t work for me. At all.

07. DYLAN DOG: DEAD OF NIGHT
This film should have been dedicated to Brandon Routh’s career, which passed away about halfway through this amazingly incoherent pile of nonsense. 

06. FRIGHT NIGHT 3D
How do you make a dull horror-film with a terrific cast, an insanely talented director and great source material? Watch this thing for the answer. Or even better, don’t.

05. SHARK NIGHT 3D
“You know what would be a great idea? If we made a PG13-rated shark-attack film! In 3D!” The result: a horror-film that was dead in the water (zzzzing). 

04. THE THING (2011)
Good Lord, I so desperately wanted this film to be great. Alas, this thing just falls apart around the 15-minute mark. Some bad films are simply annoying, this one really hurt.

03. YOUR HIGHNESS
Ugh. Just, ugh.

02. CONAN THE BARBARIAN 3D
When this thing bombed at the box-office, industry analysts feverishly tried to come up with reasons as to why it failed. They obviously didn’t see the film.

and the absolute worst film of 2011 was without a doubt:

01. PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES
This should have never happened. Period. Overlong, tedious, devoid of any real conflict or sense of adventure, this is what you get when people merely show up on set to collect their paycheques. Nobody seemed to care one bit about the film they were making, or the millions of people around the world that had to shell out premium dollars for the worst 3D-experience in a year full of dismal 3D-experiences. Depp, Marshall, Cruz, McShane, Rush… Disney, you’re so much better than this. And the worst thing is: you all know it.